Lessons from Piano

When I took piano lessons many a year ago, my Gramy would always comment on how nice it was to hear me play.

Honestly, I thought she was a bit loopy to say such a thing, as I didn’t consider myself overly talented. Competent, yes. Talented, no.

Now that my own daughters are taking lessons, I know she’s not loopy in the least.

There’s just something magical about hearing someone else play the piano. You can take the time to enjoy the nuances without having to remember that this particular measure is forte with a crescendo and that next up you’re switching back to mezzo forte with a half nelson pike twist accent agave in 3/4 timing and don’t forget the repeat.

So yes, I thoroughly enjoy my daughters’ practice sessions at home, as well as the music recitals they play in, not just for their contributions, but for the those of the other children, too.

From the shortest, sweetest song to the longer more complex works of the musical masters, the piano always sounds better when someone else is playing.

The Rules and Regs of Holiday Eating

1) Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table
knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
immediately. Go next door where they’re serving rum balls.

2) Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine
single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt
scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up!
Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re
going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy
it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3) If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of
your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4) As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk
or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a
sports car with an automatic transmission.

5) Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to
eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6) Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New

7) You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This
is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet
table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

8) If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of
shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

9) Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of
each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.
Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?
Labor Day?

10) Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
some standards.

11) One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party
or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread tips;
start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Tech Support

Subject: Tech-Support

>Dear Tech Support:
>Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.
>I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected
>child processing that took up a lot of space and
>valuable resources.

>In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs
>and now monitors all other system activity. Applications
>such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and
>Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing
>the system whenever selected.
>I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
>attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking
>about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall
>doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
>A Troubled User.

Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0,
thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its
Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to
delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is
impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files
from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is
designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual
under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you
keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest
installing the background application “Yes Dear” to
alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command
C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the
APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to
normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very
high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support
programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0,
Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs.
Improper use will cause the system to launch the program
Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve
the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install
Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is
not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage
to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support.


campfireLet’s just say I’m packing heat these days. Ayup. It’s true. There’s heat in them there ducts!

And it’s from natural gas and not wood.

What a concept.

No more chopping wood, no more laying on the cold cement floor to start the day’s fire, no more acrid smoke blowing back in my face as adjustments are made mid-day, no more blazing hot rooms while others are freezing cold…this modern techno stuff is amazing!