What You Can Learn From Kids

This is shared from Al, who has four of the most adorable girls (and Girl Guides!) in all of Alberta. Thanks!

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old child’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound child wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke — lots of it.

9.) A six-year old child can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old child.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

4.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR’s do not eject “PB & J” sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine will, however, make cats dizzy

22.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

23.) 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

a) For those with no children – this is totally hysterical.

b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

You Decide…

How to Decide Who To Marry

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
–Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
–Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
– Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
– Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
– Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don’t want any more kids.
– Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
– Lynnette, age 8

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
– Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
– Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they’re rich.
– Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that
– – Curt, age 7

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
– Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1 ) I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out.
– Theodore, age 8

(2 ) It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
– Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
– Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is……..

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
– Ricky, age 10

Zen

Because it’s good to giggle, today I’m sharing a little list my fellow American Title Finalist, Cathy Pegau posted to our email loop just as the voting for Round Three started up…

ZEN FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

1. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.

2. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE, NIGHT.

3. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.

4. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT. IT WAS UNFAMILIAR TERRITORY.

5. I FEEL LIKE I’M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.

6. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.

7. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, THINKS SLOWEST.

8. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.

9. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE.

10. I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.

11. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY’RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.

12. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.

13. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT’LL BE A GREAT TRADE!

14. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.

15. ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT!

16. OK, SO WHAT’S THE SPEED OF DARK?

17. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU’RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?

18. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.

19. EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE FILM.

20. IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER FRIENDS?

21. EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.

22. WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?

23. I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT.

24. I COULDN’T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES, SO I MADE YOUR HORN LOUDER.

25. WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME?

26. INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED.

27. JUST REMEMBER – IF THE WORLD DID NOT SUCK, WE WOULD ALL FALL OFF.

28. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK

Laugh A Little

Okay, if you had to choose just one…which would you put on a T-Shirt and wear?

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.

2.. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I’m not a complete idiot — some parts are just missing.

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!

17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up.

18. Procrastinate Now!

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease is already taken.

24. He who dies with the most toys is none the less dead.

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs. A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

Skunk Relocation 101

512_12091. Eat supper and through window spy “skunklet” rooting in deep hole dug by Tala, aka Diggy Dog.

2. Determine Diggy Dog’s location of guarding (in this case – 10 feet away and so enamored with a cob of corn she hasn’t even noticed said intruder).

3. Snort in contempt at Diggy Dog’s protective abilities and inform DH his dog is useless.

4. Go outside, camera in hand to take pictures of skunk for blog.

5. Find skunk. Or rather, don’t find skunk and give Diggy Dog a chance at redemption by coaxing her away from corn cob.

6. Beat back Tala, white wolf of protective fury, so that little skunk is no longer vibrating due to the extreme vocal outburst of said dog. Apologize to DH for dissing his dog.

7. Call out children from supper table to witness the tiny and trembling black and white bundle of cuteness.

8. Have great and lengthy discussion regarding whether skunks of this age can spray.

9. Decide they cannot.

10. Take many pictures.

11. Send children back inside to finish eating supper.

12. Stare at skunk. Notice his cute feet and beady eyes. Poor little thing has lost his mama.

13. Decide something MUST be done before Rio, Mighty Mouse Hunter and shaker to death of all small living things gets out of house and attacks baby. This on a scale of 1-10 would be a minus 8000.

14. Ignore DH who has decided boat maintenance is more important than relocating baby skunk. He can (and will) be punished later.

15. Return to abode and empty out bucket of slushy Margarita mix (to inexperienced skunk relocators – do not drink before attempting relocation – imbibing in tequila beforehand is for professionals only)

16. Wash bucket. After all, nobody likes a sticky skunk.

17. Take bucket and lid back to baby skunk location—deep in the bush by the birdfeeder where the mosquitoes are plentiful and huge.

18. Get bitten many times by said mozzies.

19. Chase skunk through underbrush, still believing with naivety that babies don’t yet spray.

20. Corner baby skunk and quickly, but gently place bucket over him. Slide lid under baby skunk’s feet and slooooooowly tip bucket.

21. Notice that baby skunks of this age DO spray. So much. So, so very much.

22. Say prayer of thanks and gratitude that it was not a direct hit.

23. Proudly march over to DH’s shop and tell him of your heroic endeavors. Ignore him when he tells you that you STINK. It’s just his way of expressing love.

24. Have DH carry bucket through fields to far away stand of trees, so he can stink too.

25. Release skunk.

26. Take many pictures.

27. Blog about it the next day, promising readers you’ll post pics just as soon as Blogger lets you.

512_1213

Double Entendre

Eight Words with two Meanings:

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female…… Any part under a car’s hood.
Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male…. Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female…. A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while
out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female…. An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male…… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

I’m Back…Let’s Have A Drink

WHEN WE GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH…………

1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.

2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING “WOO-HOO!” IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.

3. WE’VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE’S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.

4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO

5.WE START CRYING AND! TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.

6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY’S BECAUSE “OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!”

7. WE’VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.

8. WE’VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.

9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT’S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.

10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)

11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID’S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.

12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT’S THEIR FAULT THAT WE’RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.

SCHOOL FOR MEN

CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY MAY 31, 2006

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays — Step by Step, with Slide Presentation
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll – Does It Change Itself? — Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? — Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor — Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5 After Dinner Dishes – Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? — Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6 Loss Of Identity – Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other — Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7 Learning How To Find Things – Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming — Open Forum .
Meets Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8 Health Watch – Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health — Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Meets three nights: Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost — Real Life Testimonials.
Meets Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? — Driving Simulations.
Meets for 4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.

Class 11 Learning to Live – Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife — Online Classes and role-playing . Meets Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion — Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy – Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You’re Going To Be Late — Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Meets three nights: Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14 The Stove/Oven – What It Is and How It Is Used — Live Demonstration.
Meets Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Sorry, I Meant to Say…

The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are 2005’s winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and a you know what.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting some.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

The Rules and Regs of Holiday Eating

1) Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table
knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
immediately. Go next door where they’re serving rum balls.

2) Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine
single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt
scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up!
Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re
going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy
it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3) If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of
your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4) As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk
or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a
sports car with an automatic transmission.

5) Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to
eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6) Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year’s.

7) You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This
is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet
table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

8) If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of
shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

9) Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of
each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.
Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?
Labor Day?

10) Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
some standards.

11) One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party
or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread tips;
start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.