Category Archives: Humour

Tech Support

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Subject: Tech-Support

>Dear Tech Support:
>
>Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.
>I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected
>child processing that took up a lot of space and
>valuable resources.

>In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs
>and now monitors all other system activity. Applications
>such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and
>Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing
>the system whenever selected.
>
>I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
>attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking
>about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall
>doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
>
>Thanks,
>A Troubled User.
>
>______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0,
thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its
Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to
delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is
impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files
from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is
designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual
under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you
keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest
installing the background application “Yes Dear” to
alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command
C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the
APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to
normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very
high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support
programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0,
Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs.
Improper use will cause the system to launch the program
Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve
the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install
Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is
not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage
to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support.

Questions for Canada

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Now I like poking fun and these were just too good not to share. And I honestly believe that no question is a stupid one, but you do need to be careful who you ask, otherwise you’ll end up with some smart aleck answers like the ones below. Thanks to my good friend, Mark for sharing this.

"Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the
2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people
the world over are asking!!!! Believe it or not these
questions about Canada were posted on an
International Tourism Website (frightening, isn't it!)

Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions
were really asked!!!!!.

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV,
so how do the plants grow?(UK)

A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit
around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)

A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-
can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses
of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)

A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada?
Can you send me a list of them in
Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing
in Canada? (USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it.
Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary.
Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when
you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every
Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the
hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)

A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the
female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)

A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and
is milk available all year round?(Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of
Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada,
but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)

A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent,
eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can
scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before
you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

True Canadiana

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maple leaf iceYou know you’re a Canadian if…

1. You know what a touque is.

2. You understand the phrase “Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine on the chesterfield.”

3. You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.

4. You drink Pop, not Soda.

5. You know that a Mickey has nothing to do with the mouse.

6. You don’t care about the fuss with Cuba. It’s a cheap place to go for holidays and they’ve got good cigars.

7. You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.

8. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

9. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

10. You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.

11. You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

12. You brag to Americans that Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion & Mike Myers are Canadians.

13. You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!

14. You take out the garbage and not the trash.

15. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

16. You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced “Zed”.

17. Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.

18. You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter and road work.

19. You know that when it’s 25 degrees outside, it’s a warm day.

20. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

21. You know how to pronounce and spell “Saskatchewan”.

22. You perk up when you hear the theme song from ‘Hockey Night in Canada’.

23. You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.

24. “Eh?” is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than, “Huh?”

25. You actually understand these jokes and send your Canadian friends to my blog so you can all have a good laugh. :)

I Was Born in a Small Town

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I snagged this from an email my sister-in-law sent awhile back. Thanks, Lisa.

Those of you who grew up in small towns will laugh when they read this. Those who didn’t will be in disbelief.

You KNOW you were raised in a small town when…

1) You can name everyone you graduated with.

2) You know what 4-H means.

3) You went to parties at a pasture, barn, gravel pit, or in the middle of a dirt road. On Monday you could always tell who was at the party because of the scratches on their legs from running through the woods when the party was busted. (See #6.)

4) You used to “drag” Main even though it was only 3 blocks long.

5) You said the “F” word and your parents knew within the hour.

6) You scheduled parties around the schedules of different police officers, because you knew which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn’t.

7) You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old enough, they’d tell your parents anyhow)

8) When you did find somebody old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes, you still had to go out into the country and drive on back roads to smoke them.

9) You knew which section of the ditch you would find the beer your buyer dropped off.

10) It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.

11) The whole school went to the same party after graduation.

12) You didn’t give directions by street names but rather by references. Turn by Nelson’s house, go 2 blocks to Anderson’s, and it’s four houses left of the school.

13) The grocery store had 3 aisles.

14) You couldn’t help but date a friend’s ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.

15) Your car stayed filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.

16) The town next to you was considered “trashy” or “snooty,” but was actually just like your town.

17) You referred to anyone with a house newer then 1965 as the “rich” people.

18) The people in the “big city” dressed funny, and then you picked up the trend 2 years later.

19) Anyone you wanted could be found at the local gas station or the town bar.

20) You saw at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town or one of your friends driving a grain truck to school occasionally.

21) The gym teacher suggested you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.

22) Directions were given using THE stop light or the Co-Op as a reference. If you were born in Alberta, it was the UFA.

23) When you decided to walk somewhere for exercise, 5 people would pull over and ask if you wanted a ride.

24) Your teachers called you by your older siblings’ name.

25) Your teachers remembered when they taught your parents.

26) You could charge at any local store or write checks without any ID.

27) The closest McDonalds was 25 miles away (or more).

28) The closest mall was over an hour away.

29) It was normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.

30) You’ve pee’d in a corn/wheat/canola/rye field or behind a pick-up truck so the occupants couldn’t see you, unless the driver pulled ahead while you were doing your business in order to mortally embarrass you.

31) Most people went by a nickname.

32) And the one that’s applicable to my hometown…the fire siren went each day at noon and every kid raced home to eat lunch from a TV tray while they watched the Flintstones.