Fun Fun Fun ‘Til Her Daddy Takes The T-Bird Away

Posted on March 31, 2006 by meretta

When I was a kid, my mom had a T-bird. It was her dream car. Maroon red with a T-Bar sunroof (fitting, don’t you think?) and whenever we were in it, we were always listening to Linda Ronstadt. Needless to say, I’ve been belting out ‘You’re No Good’ since I was about 5 and after all these years of practice, I’m good at it. Just ask me. I’ll tell you. At any rate, Linda and me and my mom are like peas and carrots and corn only in a more musical way.

So, my point today — and I do have one, trust me — is what is your dream car? Or not?

Fairly obvious question if you’re a male, because they seem fixated on all things vehicular (at least my male is), but for females not so much, or so I thought until we were visiting with a dear friend and the conversation shifted to DH’s intentions of buying a truck soon and dear friend belted out that her dream car was black, convertible, a year model and type, this and that and my eyes sort of rolled back in my head in surprise ’cause she *so* knew what it was that she wanted.

That got me to thinking that I hadn’t thought about a dream car in a long time.

We’ve been driving dependable Guinevere, our Ford Windstar for almost 8 years now and she’s done us proud. Granted she did blow her transmission 5 minutes after we left my dad’s funeral, but given that that was the week from hell anyway, it was a good time for it to happen. It just sort of rolled into all the other trauma (and bills) with a laissez-faire shrug of the shoulders.

So anyway, right now Gwinnie is worth more to us than anyone else, so I can see us keeping her “forever” (which is about 4 years, you recall) and then we’ll trade her in for something…different.

If I had my way…different would mean this…a Mini Cooper S Convertible — though we’d have to do some customizing to fit 3 in the back, rather than 2. And honestly, how would I ever fit all my groceries in there if the girls were with me? Or even their piano books for that matter?

And I’ll ignore the fact that my hair would be snarled into a horrible knot after just five minutes of driving because this is the DREAM car. It doesn’t have to be practical. We’re throwing out practical. We’re dreaming.

No budgets, no kids spilling ice cream or slopping french fries, no dogs with muddy paws, no dumps of snow in excess of 1 inch, no nothing, but whatever you want. Add a flashy outfit and a 7 figure publishing contract while you’re at it. Let’s go big, folks!

And don’t think I don’t know that this idealism is a polar opposite of yesterday’s post. It’s okay. We can do this, ’cause we’re not fixated, we’re just having fun. So what’s your dream car? Tell me what you’re thinking Seattle…I’m listening.

Sorry, I Meant to Say…

Posted on March 28, 2006 by meretta

The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are 2005’s winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and a you know what.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting some.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

Another one…

Posted on January 28, 2006 by meretta

So here comes another purging of my guilty conscience…

American Idol.

I’ve been watching it.

My first time ever was last week and I don’t know how it happened, whatever possessed me or why watching these poor people stepping forth and willingly allowing the ever sarcastic Simon Cowell to skewer their sense of self intrigues me…but it does.

At least writers have the safety of phone lines and the written word to hide behind should someone not appreciate their work. And I’m even betting the more famous authors get wined and dined when they’re being let down easy by their agent.

These singers, though?

There they are, taking it in the face from a panel of three who are at times nothing but callous and cruel.

That takes tremendous courage. And I can imagine so does pulling yourself back up from the depths of disillusion after Simon guts and fillets as if you’re the bottom feeder in the bunch.

I’d rather the rejection letter, thanks.

Confessions

Posted on January 26, 2006 by meretta

It’s confession time.

On a few fronts.

First off.

The other day?

I’m loathe to admit it, but the green-eyed monster of envy raked her insidious claws through my psyche and made me bleed.

It wasn’t pretty by any means.

I brought it on myself and I should have known better, but still, it happened and I’m not going to pretend it never happened.

You see, my mother-in-law sent me a STARS calendar because she’d made a generous donation and they’d given her extra…

…you’re rolling your eyes right now, aren’t you?… Thinking, ‘Oh, boy, here she goes again on some wacked out dot-to-dot tangent that may or may not demonstrate a correlation to her title up top’…

Well. You’re right. This is going to be one of those dot to dot kinds of stories, because sometimes things just aren’t as linear as we’d like them to be. Now. Back to my point and I do have one–honest.

So, I’ve got the STARS (Shock Trauma Air Rescue Society) calendar hanging on my office wall and of course, I read January’s story about the poor little girl who’d impaled her palette and then her brain with a chopstick (she’s okay, don’t worry!) and because this particular incident happened near my hometown, I’m looking at the picture of the little girl and her mom and I’m thinking, “Do I know this lady?”

I don’t recognize the mom, but then I read the story again and take better note of the little girl’s last name. It doesn’t take much for me to determine that quite likely, given this little girl’s age and her last name, that I know and went to highschool with her dad (believe me, the towns where I grew up are small–we’re talking two hundred and fifty if you count the cats).

So now I’m thinking about this little girl’s dad, who I didn’t know that well, but he happened to be friends with one of my friends.

Now I lost track of this particular friend years ago. So what does one do in this day and age to find someone?

They GOOGLE!

So I GOOGLED my friend and guess what?

Turns out he’s a columnist for a prominent national newspaper and after the two seconds it takes me to be glad and think, “Cool! Good for him,” something entirely different rolls in and takes over.

Something along the lines of “What makes you think you’ve got what it takes to be published?”

KAPOW!

Totally blindsided and there I was…down on myself, green-eyed and snarky.

It was quite the experience as I’m not usually prone to that kind of stuff and I’d like to say I talked myself out of it, but I didn’t. In fact, I stewed and brewed and got worse (and that is not an writer’s euphemism for ate myself sick and drank myself silly, either!)

Luckily, there’s such a thing as mail in this country and it just happened that I was in town to get ours and in it was the SASP that I’d included with my thank you letter to Jessica Alvarez (who you remember had RISING SIN) offering her a chance to look at TRAIL OF REDEMPTION.

And on that SASP was her request for TRAIL.

Not the partial, but the full and I didn’t even send a synopsis! Bless her dear assistant editorial soul, she’s willing to read it because she’s liked my previous work.

Good-bye green eyes, welcome back blue!

So there you have it. My first installment of confessions. Stay tuned for more dirt.

Why I like Jason Smith and Other Reasons to Love the Oilers

Posted on January 17, 2006 by meretta

small dad So it was my dad’s birthday a few days ago and though he’s been gone two years now, he’s always in my heart.

Sometimes, a little too much, I think.

For instance, last week I was in a funk and really didn’t feel like writing so I was scrounging around for a diversion.

Ah ha!

Look at the scruffy dog! Look at the new clippers we just bought!

So, yeah. I decided to shave the dog. Loreth tells me she would have done it too, so I don’t feel so bad about not writing, but I do feel bad about the haircut, ’cause did I mention we live in northern Alberta and that it’s winter here?

Yeah. Not so much my most stellar idea. But they tell me the hair will grow back.

However, I digress.

Fast forward to the end of the haircut and I’ve realized that minus the small detail of having four legs, I’ve somehow managed to channel my dad from beyond and the dog now looks exactly like him.

I’m serious.

rio dad EXACTLY like him.

Gone is my dog and instead I’ve got my dad. Silvery hair. Soft gentle eyes. Scrawny neck. Flat head. Bushy eyebrows. Widow’s peak. The whole shebang.

Even the DH thinks so.

So I find myself being extra special nice to the dog now, which is good to a degree, but he’s become rather demanding and now I’ve got to work through the guilt of saying no to my dad/dog.

Sigh. Don’t worry, I know the name of a good therapist.

But I guess you’re wondering what the heck the title is all about, right?

Yeah. Let’s get to that.

Jason Smith is the captain of the Edmonton Oilers and he looks just like my dad (NO! NO! Stick with me on this! I promise…it will make sense!)

He doesn’t look like my dad did when he was older (so therefore he doesn’t resemble my dog in the least), but you see, he looks like my dad did when I was a baby.

Seriously.
Even the DH thinks so (are you noticing a trend of overt compliancy here in regards to the DH? Yeah. I just saw it, too. HUH?)

Okay. Back to Jason.

So, Jason looks like my dad did, is rough and tumble like my dad used to be and then there’s Ales Hemsky who is for certain going to be one of the best players in NHL Hockey very soon (my dad hated hockey, by the way) and he’s also whom Jason defended without a split second’s hesitation in last night’s game after a Sabre’s player tried to take out Ales’s knee in a questionable hit. Jason got kicked out for most of the second period for his trouble, but that’s just the kind of player he is.

So. My Dad. The Dog. Jason. And Ales.

All perfect reasons to love the Oilers.

I’m going to go get another cup of coffee now.

Lessons from Piano

Posted on December 21, 2005 by meretta

When I took piano lessons many a year ago, my Gramy would always comment on how nice it was to hear me play.

Honestly, I thought she was a bit loopy to say such a thing, as I didn’t consider myself overly talented. Competent, yes. Talented, no.

Now that my own daughters are taking lessons, I know she’s not loopy in the least.

There’s just something magical about hearing someone else play the piano. You can take the time to enjoy the nuances without having to remember that this particular measure is forte with a crescendo and that next up you’re switching back to mezzo forte with a half nelson pike twist accent agave in 3/4 timing and don’t forget the repeat.

So yes, I thoroughly enjoy my daughters’ practice sessions at home, as well as the music recitals they play in, not just for their contributions, but for the those of the other children, too.

From the shortest, sweetest song to the longer more complex works of the musical masters, the piano always sounds better when someone else is playing.

The Rules and Regs of Holiday Eating

Posted on December 12, 2005 by meretta

1) Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table
knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
immediately. Go next door where they’re serving rum balls.

2) Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine
single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt
scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up!
Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re
going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy
it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3) If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of
your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4) As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk
or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a
sports car with an automatic transmission.

5) Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to
eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6) Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year’s.

7) You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This
is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet
table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

8) If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of
shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

9) Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of
each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.
Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?
Labor Day?

10) Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
some standards.

11) One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party
or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread tips;
start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Tech Support

Posted on December 8, 2005 by meretta

Subject: Tech-Support

>Dear Tech Support:
>
>Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.
>I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected
>child processing that took up a lot of space and
>valuable resources.

>In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs
>and now monitors all other system activity. Applications
>such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and
>Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing
>the system whenever selected.
>
>I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
>attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking
>about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall
>doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
>
>Thanks,
>A Troubled User.
>
>______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0,
thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its
Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to
delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is
impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files
from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is
designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual
under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you
keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest
installing the background application “Yes Dear” to
alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command
C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the
APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to
normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very
high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support
programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0,
Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs.
Improper use will cause the system to launch the program
Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve
the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install
Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is
not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage
to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support.

As If I’m Not Busy Enough!

Posted on November 29, 2005 by meretta

Recently I visited my aunt’s quilt shop, Tatters, which is always a dangerous thing to do, but only because I bring my cheque book with me and I have very little resistance to bright and beautiful things, especially fabrics. She, herself, is a very safe person to be around. It’s just her shop that poses peril.

At any rate, I left the store with enough fabric and then some to make each of my daughters a quilt of their own. Something I haven’t done since each of them was born.

THEN, I decided my Brownies could make one, too and it would help them earn their Arts Badge.

So last week, each Brownie sewed an X on their very own block and then I sewed those to the blocks I’d made and now we’ve got a beautiful rag quilt that we’re raffling off at our Christmas Supper next week. Isn’t it pretty?

Needless to say, I haven’t started my daughter’s quilts, but soon. Very soon, because I’ve promised.

AND THEN, I was Christmas shopping this morning and signed myself up for a mail order “block of the month” wallhanging kit by PineNeedles.

I love PineNeedles patterns. They are *beautiful* and the Bali fabrics they call for are absolutely gorgeous. You’ve never seen such exquisite colours blended together until you’ve seen them in a Bali.

8 blocks for 8 months and I’ll end up with this…

I guess I’d better get out my carving knife along with my cutting scissors so I can find some more time in my schedule.

Questions for Canada