Why I like Jason Smith and Other Reasons to Love the Oilers

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small dadSo it was my dad’s birthday a few days ago and though he’s been gone two years now, he’s always in my heart.

Sometimes, a little too much, I think.

For instance, last week I was in a funk and really didn’t feel like writing so I was scrounging around for a diversion.

Ah ha!

Look at the scruffy dog! Look at the new clippers we just bought!

So, yeah. I decided to shave the dog. Loreth tells me she would have done it too, so I don’t feel so bad about not writing, but I do feel bad about the haircut, ’cause did I mention we live in northern Alberta and that it’s winter here?

Yeah. Not so much my most stellar idea. But they tell me the hair will grow back.

However, I digress.

Fast forward to the end of the haircut and I’ve realized that minus the small detail of having four legs, I’ve somehow managed to channel my dad from beyond and the dog now looks exactly like him.

I’m serious.

rio dadEXACTLY like him.

Gone is my dog and instead I’ve got my dad. Silvery hair. Soft gentle eyes. Scrawny neck. Flat head. Bushy eyebrows. Widow’s peak. The whole shebang.

Even the DH thinks so.

So I find myself being extra special nice to the dog now, which is good to a degree, but he’s become rather demanding and now I’ve got to work through the guilt of saying no to my dad/dog.

Sigh. Don’t worry, I know the name of a good therapist.

But I guess you’re wondering what the heck the title is all about, right?

Yeah. Let’s get to that.

jason smith dadJason Smith is the captain of the Edmonton Oilers and he looks just like my dad (NO! NO! Stick with me on this! I promise…it will make sense!)

He doesn’t look like my dad did when he was older (so therefore he doesn’t resemble my dog in the least), but you see, he looks like my dad did when I was a baby.

Seriously.
Even the DH thinks so (are you noticing a trend of overt compliancy here in regards to the DH? Yeah. I just saw it, too. HUH?)

Okay. Back to Jason.

ales hemskySo, Jason looks like my dad did, is rough and tumble like my dad used to be and then there’s Ales Hemsky who is for certain going to be one of the best players in NHL Hockey very soon (my dad hated hockey, by the way) and he’s also whom Jason defended without a split second’s hesitation in last night’s game after a Sabre’s player tried to take out Ales’s knee in a questionable hit. Jason got kicked out for most of the second period for his trouble, but that’s just the kind of player he is.

So. My Dad. The Dog. Jason. And Ales.

All perfect reasons to love the Oilers.

I’m going to go get another cup of coffee now.

Lessons from Piano

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When I took piano lessons many a year ago, my Gramy would always comment on how nice it was to hear me play.

Honestly, I thought she was a bit loopy to say such a thing, as I didn’t consider myself overly talented. Competent, yes. Talented, no.

Now that my own daughters are taking lessons, I know she’s not loopy in the least.

There’s just something magical about hearing someone else play the piano. You can take the time to enjoy the nuances without having to remember that this particular measure is forte with a crescendo and that next up you’re switching back to mezzo forte with a half nelson pike twist accent agave in 3/4 timing and don’t forget the repeat.

So yes, I thoroughly enjoy my daughters’ practice sessions at home, as well as the music recitals they play in, not just for their contributions, but for the those of the other children, too.

From the shortest, sweetest song to the longer more complex works of the musical masters, the piano always sounds better when someone else is playing.

The Rules and Regs of Holiday Eating

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1) Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table
knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
immediately. Go next door where they’re serving rum balls.

2) Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine
single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt
scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up!
Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re
going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy
it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3) If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of
your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4) As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk
or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a
sports car with an automatic transmission.

5) Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to
eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6) Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year’s.

7) You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This
is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet
table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

8) If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of
shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

9) Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of
each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.
Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?
Labor Day?

10) Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
some standards.

11) One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party
or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread tips;
start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Tech Support

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Subject: Tech-Support

>Dear Tech Support:
>
>Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.
>I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected
>child processing that took up a lot of space and
>valuable resources.

>In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs
>and now monitors all other system activity. Applications
>such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and
>Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing
>the system whenever selected.
>
>I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
>attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking
>about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall
>doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
>
>Thanks,
>A Troubled User.
>
>______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0,
thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its
Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to
delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is
impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files
from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is
designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual
under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you
keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest
installing the background application “Yes Dear” to
alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command
C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the
APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to
normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very
high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support
programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0,
Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs.
Improper use will cause the system to launch the program
Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve
the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install
Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is
not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage
to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support.

Heat!

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campfireLet’s just say I’m packing heat these days. Ayup. It’s true. There’s heat in them there ducts!

And it’s from natural gas and not wood.

What a concept.

No more chopping wood, no more laying on the cold cement floor to start the day’s fire, no more acrid smoke blowing back in my face as adjustments are made mid-day, no more blazing hot rooms while others are freezing cold…this modern techno stuff is amazing!

As If I’m Not Busy Enough!

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Recently I visited my aunt’s quilt shop, Tatters, which is always a dangerous thing to do, but only because I bring my cheque book with me and I have very little resistance to bright and beautiful things, especially fabrics. She, herself, is a very safe person to be around. It’s just her shop that poses peril.

At any rate, I left the store with enough fabric and then some to make each of my daughters a quilt of their own. Something I haven’t done since each of them was born.

THEN, I decided my Brownies could make one, too and it would help them earn their Arts Badge.

So last week, each Brownie sewed an X on their very own block and then I sewed those to the blocks I’d made and now we’ve got a beautiful rag quilt that we’re raffling off at our Christmas Supper next week. Isn’t it pretty?

Needless to say, I haven’t started my daughter’s quilts, but soon. Very soon, because I’ve promised.

AND THEN, I was Christmas shopping this morning and signed myself up for a mail order “block of the month” wallhanging kit by PineNeedles.

I love PineNeedles patterns. They are *beautiful* and the Bali fabrics they call for are absolutely gorgeous. You’ve never seen such exquisite colours blended together until you’ve seen them in a Bali.f1a043fae499b8369b16b54012c98ee2

8 blocks for 8 months and I’ll end up with this…

I guess I’d better get out my carving knife along with my cutting scissors so I can find some more time in my schedule. :)

Questions for Canada

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Now I like poking fun and these were just too good not to share. And I honestly believe that no question is a stupid one, but you do need to be careful who you ask, otherwise you’ll end up with some smart aleck answers like the ones below. Thanks to my good friend, Mark for sharing this.

"Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the
2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people
the world over are asking!!!! Believe it or not these
questions about Canada were posted on an
International Tourism Website (frightening, isn't it!)

Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions
were really asked!!!!!.

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV,
so how do the plants grow?(UK)

A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit
around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)

A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-
can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses
of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)

A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada?
Can you send me a list of them in
Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing
in Canada? (USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it.
Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary.
Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when
you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every
Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the
hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)

A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the
female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)

A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and
is milk available all year round?(Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of
Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada,
but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)

A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent,
eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can
scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before
you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

TextAloud

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It’s been ages since I’ve been. Apologies, but we’ve been steamrolled with activities in our house.

RISING SIN is in the mail. It’s not in Texas yet, but it should be arriving any second now. Well. Not really. They won’t deliver on the weekend, so let’s just say Monday. :)

SO, while I was editing the ms for the Golden Heart, I stumbled across a tidbit of advice on one of the RWA writing loops regarding TextAloud.

Basically it’s a reading program that reads your work, emails, webpages, ebooks, etc. to you. I quite liked using it — I was able to catch repeated words that I’ve never noticed before (when you’ve got “delicious” sitting 3 times within 2 paragraphs, it’s bound to drive some reader/editor crazy — and not in a good way).

My only complaint is that the free download trial version gives you “Mary” who doesn’t sound as nearly as spiffy as any of the Natural Voice crowd (who you pay the big bucks for…kinda like a high school clique thing, I guess).

*But*, that being said, I got quite used to Mary and her slightly stilted pronounciation. I even became accustomed to her pronouncing my hero as Za–cheery-ah Boddin instead of the more masculine and American sounding, Zachariah Bodine. It gave him a kind of international flair, I thought. ;)

Gramma

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Because my mom is visiting…

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?

(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people’s.

A grandfather is a man grandmother.

Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.

They are so old they shouldn’t play hard or run.

It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also! Why we shouldn’t step on “cracks.”

They don’t say, “Hurry up.”

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don’t have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like “why isn’t God married?” and “How come dogs chase cats?”.

When they read to us, they don’t skip. They don’t mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don’t have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we’ve acted bad.

A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ‘’OH,’’ HE SAID, ‘’SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE’RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.’’

True Canadiana

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maple leaf iceYou know you’re a Canadian if…

1. You know what a touque is.

2. You understand the phrase “Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine on the chesterfield.”

3. You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.

4. You drink Pop, not Soda.

5. You know that a Mickey has nothing to do with the mouse.

6. You don’t care about the fuss with Cuba. It’s a cheap place to go for holidays and they’ve got good cigars.

7. You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.

8. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

9. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

10. You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.

11. You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

12. You brag to Americans that Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion & Mike Myers are Canadians.

13. You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!

14. You take out the garbage and not the trash.

15. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

16. You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced “Zed”.

17. Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.

18. You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter and road work.

19. You know that when it’s 25 degrees outside, it’s a warm day.

20. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

21. You know how to pronounce and spell “Saskatchewan”.

22. You perk up when you hear the theme song from ‘Hockey Night in Canada’.

23. You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.

24. “Eh?” is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than, “Huh?”

25. You actually understand these jokes and send your Canadian friends to my blog so you can all have a good laugh. :)