Monthly Archives: May 2006

I’m Back…Let’s Have A Drink

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WHEN WE GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH…………

1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.

2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING “WOO-HOO!” IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.

3. WE’VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE’S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.

4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO

5.WE START CRYING AND! TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.

6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY’S BECAUSE “OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!”

7. WE’VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.

8. WE’VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.

9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT’S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.

10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)

11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID’S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.

12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT’S THEIR FAULT THAT WE’RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.

Marathon Kids

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So yes, good things come from being a role model (didn’t Loreth tell me it was so? ;) and now I have 3 little girls who want to run in the Royal Victoria Kids Marathon on the day I run mine! In a nutshell, they do 41 kilometres of running (1 km at a time) before race day and the day of the race they run 1.2 km with all the other kids (and their dad as a chaperone). Wonderful!

So yesterday, my youngest daughter (5) decided her training had begun and that she was running with me. 3 kilometres later (remember she only had to do one) she said, “That’s good for today, Mom” and she veered off and sat on the hay bales, watching as I finished my circuits. What a kid! I won’t mention the other two were still sleeping in their beds. ;)

And here is an interesting article about another marathon child. Amazing. 5 years old and running 65 kilometres in 7 hours!

SCHOOL FOR MEN

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CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY MAY 31, 2006

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays — Step by Step, with Slide Presentation
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll – Does It Change Itself? — Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? — Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor — Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5 After Dinner Dishes – Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? — Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6 Loss Of Identity – Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other — Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7 Learning How To Find Things – Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming — Open Forum .
Meets Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8 Health Watch – Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health — Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Meets three nights: Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost — Real Life Testimonials.
Meets Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? — Driving Simulations.
Meets for 4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.

Class 11 Learning to Live – Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife — Online Classes and role-playing . Meets Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion — Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy – Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You’re Going To Be Late — Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Meets three nights: Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14 The Stove/Oven – What It Is and How It Is Used — Live Demonstration.
Meets Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Maple Flag 2006

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It’s that time of year, folks. *sigh*

Time to clean the van again.

Seriously. Guinevere gets a major overhaul inside and out this time of year. She even gets *dusted*. Yeah, baby. I’m talking serious business!

Flag officially starts Sunday and the Men with Guns will be guarding the gates, checking ID and randomly searching vehicles and just let me tell you that you’ve never lived a life of shame until a stonefaced soldier has rummaged through the take out wrappers and Tim Horton cups on your van floor looking for weapons and then given you the look.

Not that it’s happened to me.

Seriously.

I clean up beforehand.

I have *some* pride, you know. ;)

For those of you who don’t know what Maple Flag is, below is part of the official blurb from DND.

Exercise MAPLE FLAG is a six-week international air combat exercise held annually at 4 Wing Cold Lake, Alberta. The exercise, which will be taking place from May 14 to June 23 2006, provides Canadian and allied aircrew with realistic training in a modern simulated air combat environment, and emphasizes air operations involving large package coalition forces.

During the exercise’s three two-week periods, international participants engage in a simulated, 10-day air campaign. Using the vast, unrestricted airspace and more than 640 targets of the Cold Lake Air Weapons Range (CLAWR), participants engage in daily missions that involve confronting and dealing with air- and ground-based threats. Exercise participants make use of the Cold Lake Air Weapons Range (CLAWR) during MAPLE FLAG. The CLAWR covers 1.17 million hectares (11,600 square km), and is the only tactical bombing range in Canada. Vast, unrestricted airspace with no civilian air traffic and more than 640 targets make it an attractive training area for allied air forces.

More than 5,000 military personnel are expected to participate in Exercise MAPLE FLAG XXXIX.

Maple Flag XXXIX “Blue Air” Allied Forces The following forces are scheduled to participate in this year’s air combat exercise as “Blue Air.” They will deploy to provide conventional ground attack, air superiority, SEAD (suppression of enemy air defence), tactical resupply, reconnaissance, air-to-air refueling, and AWACS (airborne early warning and control):
Canadian Forces, German Air Force, French Air Force, Turkish Air Force, NATO AWACS (airborne early warning and control contingent), Royal Air Force, Royal Netherlands Air Force, Royal New Zealand Air Force,
Republic of Singapore Air Force, Swedish Air Force, United States Air Force, Navy and Marine Corps

Maple Flag XXXIX “Red Air” Opposing Forces The following forces are scheduled to participate in this year’s coalition exercise as “Red Air.” They will deploy to provide air and ground threat:
14 CTS (United States Air Force), 64th AGRS (United States Air Force aggressor squadron), 266th Range Squadron (United States Air National Guard), Top Aces

Maple Flag XXXIV Observing Nations The following nations are sending military members who will observe but not participate in the exercise: Brazil, Poland, Greece, Oman, Egypt, Singapore, South Africa

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This is where you can start humming “Danger Zone” from Top Gun.
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